Random Jokes #33

Why is the media so negative? Instaead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not say "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"

Roses are red
Facebook is blue
No mutual friends
Who the heck are you?

Jesus can walk on water
Humans are 70% water
I can walk on humans
Therefore I am 70% Jesus

90% of teenagers would die if Edward Cullen jumped off a cliff.
The other 10% would eat some popcorn yelling "DO A BACKFLIP SPARKLY!!!"

Vending machines are the bullies of the food industry. They just sit there ans take your money.

I cant see an end. I have no control and I dont think there is any escape. I dont think I even have a home anymore.
Definately time for a new keyboard.

I just drank a 5 hour energy and took 4 sleeping pills... Let the battle begin!!!

If I had to describe myself in 1 word, it would be...
"bad at following directions"

Random Jokes #32

When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you??"

Dear guy at the market who hugged me because I am bruised,
my situation is too painful to talk about, lets just say they did things... bad things

My cat raps. His name? Wiska Lifa

Hey, Wiska Lifa, wanna hook up tonight?
Love, Kitty Purry

There's two dumb cats in my neighborhood. Wiska Lifa and Kitty Purry. I think I'm gonna team up with my buddy Snoop Dogg and chase them.
   -Pit Bull

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon and thats as close as it gets

Random Jokes #31

If a robber breaks in, Ill just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he will leave because I have first dibs.

WOOP WOOP, HOME ALONE!!!
Expectation: PARTAYYY!
Reality: Peeing with the door open...

When friends come over and ask
"You got a bathroom?"
...No we poop outside

Guns dont kill people, people kill people. So toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast

Guy posts on facebook: "going to bed, lmao"
Me to myself: "dude really? unless youre going to bed with a clown its not all that funny"

Running a vacuum cleaner over a string a dozen times, then reaching down to pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give my vacuum one more chance

Random Jokes #30

Teacher: "Somebody start a sentence with I"
Student: "I is..."
Teacher: "No, its I AM"
Student: "...I am the ninth letter in the alphabet"

Think about it: Right now you are the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be.

Look Left----------->         You Failed

If spiders could fly, Id never go outside again

No one is as ugly as their drivers lisense picture, nor as good looking as their facebook profile picture

I wanna steal a Krispy Kream truck and go on a high speed chase just because it would be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck

Millionares: If you dont have trampoline floors and a giant slide that goes from your bed to your pool, then give me your money, because your wasting it.

Random Jokes #29

Dear McDonalds,
Please consider making your playground supersized for your more dedicated customers.
Sincerely, Stuck in the slide

Dear Stuck in the slide,
Supersizing is not the answer to everything, if you knew that, you wouldnt be stuck.
Sincerely, McDonalds

Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver yelling "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not a drill!!!"

Dear Family thanks for putting the empty box of cereal back in the cabinet. Now I can have disapointment for breakfast.

Im not hungry. But I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat

If someone tried to break into my house my dog would save me... unless he had a vaccum, then I would die.

Facebook: Scrolling down your newsfeed and thinking:
"Dont care."
"Idiot."
"Your life sucks."
"Song lyrics."
"Inside Joke?"
"Needs a therapist..."

Random Jokes #28

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Dear Doctor,
The longer you leave me unattended waiting in your office, the more tongue depressers I can lick and stick back in the jar.

Want to make money using Facebook??
Go to Account > Account Settings > Deactivate account... and go to work

I got gas yesterday for $1.39!
Too bad it was from taco bell...

Ever realized that the words "false information" spelled backwards is the same.

Whew. Thank you warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

When someone calls you house phone and asks you "Where you at?"
Oh you know, just chillin at a strip club with my house phone..

The walrus: They're like vampires but awesome

If manatees are sea cows then why arent cows called land manatees??

Random Jokes #27

To do list: Wear a shirt that says "LIFE" and stand in the street handing people lemons.

Everyday Im suffling, except Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Why is there an eject button on the dvd remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. Its like having a remote to open the fridge.

Went outside. The grapics were awesome but the gameplay sucks...

Think of a number 1 through 10, double it, subtract 1, add 20, multiply by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark isnt it?

That awkward moment when you go in your closet to find Narnia and you find the door to Monsters Inc instead.

Please explain to me why I saw a sign that says "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye dogs."
Who was supposed to read that, the blind person or the dog?

Random Jokes #26

Definition of bravery: Trying to fart when you know you have diarrhea

Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!!"

Little old ladies in wheelchairs with blakets over their legs aren't fooling me...
Retired mermaids

I only party on 2 occations:
1. When it's my birthday.
2. When its not.

I hate it when the cops tell you to sing your ABCs backwards, I'm sorry, I didnt go to AP Kindergarden!

Can switching to Geico really save you 15% or more?
Is having Lebron James on your team in the finals, a bad idea?

Random Jokes #25

Dear McDonalds Cashier,
Dont look at me like that. Last time I checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.
Sincerely, Dont forget the toy.

I was taking an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'

That stupid face you make when you have to rub one of your eyes.

I have a friend with one eye... Hes pretty cool about it though, instead of putting :D he puts .D

Is it just me or does having family as friends on Facebook limit alot of what you want to say?

When a package says "easy open", I end up using sissors, a knife, a hammer, a gun, and a lightsaber

Random Jokes #24

In about a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment

Remember in first grade, when you were the leader and it was so aweseome?!

Whenever I text and someone is looking at my phone, I like to type "and this retard keeps reading our plans... should I take him out?"

For those of you that missed the end of the world a couple days ago, you can catch the repeat on December 21, 2012

I take you to be my lawful wedded text buddy. To have and to harass, In rich quotes and nasty jokes, Til dead battery do us apart

This is a serious question, listen very closely...
Do you know...
The muffin man??

I did an awesome job being born. I got a certificate if you dont believe me.

Toothpaste - Ruining orange juice since 1906

That awkward moment when the awkwardness gets so awkward it rips a whole in the space time continuum...
making it even more awkward.

Random Jokes #23

It took 200 million dollars to make fast five...
60% of it was used on gasoline

I have a condition that means I eat when I cant sleep, its called
Insom-nom-nom-nia

People who suffer from depression should eat more beans, seriously... you cant fart and NOT smile

That proud moment when you beat someone when driving, even though they werent racing you and youre like "Yea thats what I thought!!"

There are two kinds of people, those who stay on topic, and I like Frosted Flakes

Dear public restrooms,
Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, no one likes to wipe their butt witha handfull of confetti

When I have a kid, Im  gonna name them Sparta, so every time I introduce them I can just scream "This. Is. Sparta!!!"

How ironic would it be if everyone went blind in the year 2020?

There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water:
Number 1 and Number 2

Random Jokes #22

My life will not be fulfilled until I walk away from an explosion in slow motion

That awkward moment when a sentence doesnt end the way you think it octopus

I do 5 situps every morning... may not seem like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button

I CANNOT listen to my ipod peacefully until my ear phones are completly untangled..

I just said "gimme the usual" to a waitress at a resturant ive never been before
...now we wait

Who hates it when your sleeping and you just jump out of nowhere because you fell off a cliff or something

I have some jokes about unemployment, but they need some work

I never really got what "lolzzz" meant.
Laugh Out Loud, Zebra Zebra Zebra?

I wish the dollar store sold gas....

Who said english is easy???
Fill in the blank with Yes or No.
1. ____, I dont have a brain
2. ____, I dont have sense
3. ____, I am stupid

Random Jokes #21

"Im sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing.... unless you're at a funeral


Girls, there is a fine line between wearing makeup and looking like you just dived in a box of crayons


Instead of "lol" i put "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"
Laughing Silently In My Head Because It wasnt Funny Enough For Me To Actually Laugh Out Loud


Without it, gravity is gravy


I just got kicked out of my local laser tag and the police were called. Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed


Who else sits there and lets the phone ring instead of rejecting the call because they dont want the person to know they are ignoring them?


I know you want me to go down on you...
But i wont
    -gas prices

Now and then, I announce "I know you're listening" to an empty room. If im wrong, no one knows. And if im right, I just freaked out some secret organization

That awkward moment when you spell a common word correctly, but it just looks so wrong so you stare at it forever, questioning its existance

Random Jokes #20

I love coco puffs, but i hate popo cuffs...

People please, there is a fine line between getting a real tan, and looking like you just rolled around in doritos

So I was at the park the other day, thinking to myself 'why is that frisbee getting bigger?'
... Then it hit me

'OMGz hav!n such a gewd tiem wif mai bestiez, lolzzz!!'
.... SERIOUSLY? TAKE YOUR KEYBOARD AND SMASH YOUR FACE WITH IT

My brother said onions are the only food that can make you cry...
That was before I hit him in the face with a pumpkin

FB status: like this if you like to like things you like :)

Is it just me, or does every great idea start with the word 'Duuuuuuuude!!'

I hate when people steal quotes from movies. It makes me angry, and you wouldnt like me when Im angry

I lost hope for America
when I picked up an American Flag that said
'Made in China'

Im paying almost 5 dollars a gallon at the pump while nascar drivers do 642 laps in a freakin circle just wasting it...

I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 7 months when the box said 4 to 7 years....
TAKE THAT JIGSAW PUZZLE MANUFACTURERS

I Can't Wait For This...

Random Jokes #19

FB Status:
Welcome to me wall... Today's specials are:
Lack of sleep, up too early, and low on patience. Thank You. Come again...

Call my girlfriend... call my girlfrien... call oy girly... call of gurty... Call of Duty.

Itd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in the end slices of bread...

Note ot self: I need to stop talking to myself

If there is no oxygen in space, then why is the sun on fire???

That moment when you start to play guitar hero, and then your nose starts to itch like crazy!!

That awkard moment when there is no punchline

Random Jokes #18

They don't say "I do" at a nerd wedding, but "I accept the terms and conditions"

Me: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: When I was using "can" I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you'd know that. My bad. MAY I use the bathroom?
Teacher: ....

Sibling Property Rules:
1. If I like it, Its mine
2. If I'm holding it, its mine
3. If I can take it from you, its mine
4. If I had it a while ago, its mine
5. If I'm tearing it up all pieces are mine
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine
8. If I saw it first, its mine
9. If you are playing with it and you put it down, it becomes mine,
10. If its broke, its yours

I remember my first crime...
Grand Theft Tricycle
I did 3 days in the crib for that one...

Predicament + Pickle = Predicamikle
You're all welcome

ABC & About Me

ABC...

A- Available? Not any more :)
B- Birthday? May 9, 1997
C- Crushin on? Victor Ramos ;)
D- Drink you last had? French Vinilla Coffee, YUMMY!!
E- Easies person to talk to? dad, mom, victor, kay, taylor, tanner, kaitlyn...everybody :)
F- Favorite song? Runaway Baby- Bruno Mars
G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms? both
H- Hometown? Little Rock, AR
I- In love with? My bf...
J- ???
K- Killed someone? On Halo...Yes ;)
L- Longest car ride? Jacksonville to Orlando
M- Milkshake Flavor? Vinilla and Chocolate
N- Number of siblings? 2
O- One wish? ACTING CAREER!!
P- Person you last called? Taylor Kennedy
Q- ???
R- Reason to smile? Friends and Family
S- Song you last sang? Tik Tok- Ke$ha
T- Time you woke up? About 10
U- Underwear color? Stripes...
V- Vegatable? corn
W- Worst Habbit? facebook :)
X- X-Rays you had? when i sprained my elbow last year
Y- You ever sang in pubic? not on purpose, i sometime get caught up in the moment around friends :)
Z- Zodiac Sign? Taurus

About Me:

-Spell your name without any vowels: Tylr Lnn Hldrth
-What color do you wear most? purple
-Least Favorite Color? pink
-What are you listening to? Hot N Cold-Katy Perry
-Are you happy with you life right now? NEVER BETTER!!
-Who is your bestfriend? Lots of ppl..
-Are you outgoing? 80% of the time ;)
-Favorite pair of shoes? CONVERSE FTW!!
-Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth? tried it a couple times, did it once -but took me like 5 minutes :)
-Can you whistle? yes
-Cross your eyes? yes
-Walk with you toes crossed? yes, but i got a cramp :(
-Do you belive ther is life on other planets? ALIENS!!
-Believe in miracles? sorta
-Believe in magic? kinda
-Love at first sight? no
-Do you believe in satan? no and i dont want to
-Do you believe in santa? no
-Do you know how to swim? yes
-Do you like rollercosters? YESSSS
-Ever been on a plane? nope
-Ever asked someone out? didnt have to... ;)
-Have you ever been asked out by someone? yes :)
-Have you ever been to the ocean? yep
-What is the temperature outside? hot...duh...this is FLORIDA!!
-What radio station do you listen to? 95.1 FTW!!
-Last thing you bought? 2 bags of chips at skool
-What was the last thing on TV you watched? Max and Ruby
-Who was the last person you took a picture of? Kyler Hildreth :) :D
-Who was the last person you said I Love You to? DADDY!! <3

Crying Section!!

-Ever really cried you heart out? Yes :(
-Cried your self to sleep? Few times
-Do certain songs make you cry? they used to...
-Ever cried on your friends shoulder? yep
-Do you cry when you get an injury? doesnt everyone?
-Are you a happy person? Mostly

Currently Wearing!!

-What shirt are you wearing? grey animal print with red tanktop underneath
-Necklaces? nope
-Bracelets? a charm bracelet i got for my last birthday
-Favorite eye color? brown
-Height? 5'3

Have You Ever!!

-Been to jail? WHO TOLD YOU!?!?
-Mooned someone? NOOO
-Laughed so hard you cried? SOOOO many times
-Cried in school? yes
-Wanted to be a model? kinda, and still do :)
-Done something stupid and laughed at it? everyday.... XD
-Been on drugs? SHHH! ;) haha nope
-Gone skinny dipping? NO

This or That?!

-Pepsi or Coke? CREAM SODA!!
-Single or Group dates? idk
-Chocolate or Vinilla? both
-Strawberries or Blueberries? strawberries
-Name a ramdom thing about yourself... Ive wanted to be an actress since i was 7
-Meat or Veggies? MEAT!!!
-TV or Movie? Movie
-Guitar or Drums? Drums
-Adidas or Nike? Converse!!
-Chinese or Mexican? Mexican
-Cherios or Corn Flakes? Lucky Charms
-Current Hair Color? Brown

10 Confessions

1. I like country music but not Taylor Swift
2. I get the hic-ups like three times a week
3. I dont like bunk-beds
4. Calling me a b*tch doesnt hurt my feelings
5. I have 6 Career choices on my mind(all of which are REALLY BIG)
6. Ive never left the house without eyeliner in over a year(15 months...)
7. I get on facebook at LEAST twice a day
8. I have 86 things on my bedroom walls
9. I never read at home unless Im dying of boredom
10. I daydream ALOT in school and yet I make A's and B's

Friends & Family

More than anything, they mean the world to me

I just wish they would visit more

And wont leave my heart in debris

Friends and Family

We're always laughing and telling jokes

Having fun together all the time

And thats no hoax

Friends and Family

Everybodys always nice and in a good mood

We love playing together

Nah, their never rude

Friends and Family

I LOVE YOU!!!

I Drew More... :D

Random Jokes #17

I read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince yesterday in 2 hours, I know its only 7 words but Im really proud of myself :D

What do I do when I see someone EXTREAMLY GORGOUS!! I stare, and smile, and when I get tired... I put the mirror down ;)

We're friends... You smile, I smile, You laugh, I laugh, You jump off a cliff, I find a new friend!!

Ive been thinking, nobody has any common sense anymore, its gotten so rare lately it should be classified as a super power...

Can blind people see in their dreams?

Have you ever looked at you best friend and wondered 'Why the heck are we not comedians?!'

One time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea

Random Jokes #16

I am doing housework! I just cleaned the ON button on my computer by wiping it with my finger! OOOOOooohhh look...Facebook, how 'bout that?

I think I agree with my friends, I change my mind too often. Actually, they're wrong

I hate being bipolar, Its freaking awesome!!

2013... A time when the movie '2012' gets moved from the action section in stores, to comedy...

My favorite text message: 'Ill be there in 5 minutes. If not, the read this again'

Id like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing bee hive and thought... those things are hiding something delicious I know it!

Does anybody else wake up in the middle of the night crazy thirsty, and water tastes like it came from God's personal garden river?

Random Jokes #15

I just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived!!!

I have a condition similar to OCD, its called CDO, its the exact same thing its just the letters are in alphabetical order... as they should be...

That 'No drinks beyond this point' sign might as well say 'I bet you cant chug the whole thing'

Ahh, Facebook mobile.... or as I like to call it 'walk n stalk'

Say these words: Pear... Macaronii... Jack...
Now say them really fast.. out loud
Get it?
No?
Yeah you just said these words out loud for nothing :)

That awkward moment when you realize that if Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner get married, they would both be Taylor Lautner...

Today a guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for my local elementary schools new pool; so I went away, came back, and handed him a cup of water

Dont you just hate when you dont pass on one of those chain mail things and you die the next day?.. yea me too

Random Jokes #14

When I play fighting games.. I press random buttons and hope for the best

When people ask me 'Plz' Just because its shorter than 'please' I feel perfectly justified to answer 'No' because its shorter than 'Yes'

Deja Moo: The feeling that youve heard this bull before

If youre always organizing things, you have OCD...
If youre always eating things, you have OBCD

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, 'Youre next'...
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals :p

Im gonna take a super nap, its like a regular nap, only I get to wear a cape

Im that kind of person who can trip over something 100 times, and will still be too lazy to pick it up

Zaxbys took a Subway to White Castle, where Burger King and Dairy Queen live, one night they Steak and Shaked, then 9 months later they had Wendys

9 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I had the unfortunate luck to meet YOU!?

Random Jokes #13

Here I made you a waffle
(>'_')># <(^_^<)
Just kidding my waffle
#<(^_^<) <(-_-<)
DUDE I want my freakin waffle!!
(>0_0)># ==:;(-_-<)

One day Chuck Norris decided to eat at a restraunt and when he was done the waitress said "Have a nice day"
...The next day the waitress was found dead... no one tells Chuck Norris what to do

Which individual takes residence within thy sub aquatic fruit?
SPONGE ROBERT RECTANGULAR PRISM PANTALOONS

Kids are so HYPER these days, I wouldnt be patient enough to be a kindergarden teacher... we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE

I love using words to sound smart... I mean... utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intellegence

I dont care HOW old I am...... Im getting in that bouncy castle!!

They say love is more important than money, have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

A midget walks into a library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"
The librarian says, "Yea, its on the top shelf."

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they dont make sense.
Refrigerator.

Happy Valentines Day...

...Or better known as "Singles Awareness Day" :) Either way I had fun at school cuz I got sooo much candy and yet I didnt get crap for nobody else and they didnt complain :) I guess Im off the hook :) Plus I had coffee this morning and was literally screaming in peoples faces "HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY!!!!"
I could tell I looked retarded, but I was too hyper to care :D

Happy Valentines Day!!! XOXO

Random Jokes #12

I bought a deoderant stick today. The intructions said to remove the wrapper and push up bottom. I can bearly walk but when I fart the room smells so lovely

Stalking is such a strong word....I prefer the term "surveillance expert"

I have a button on my microwave that says "stop time". I assume it means the timer but I dont touch it, just in case

I had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up. I disagreed. Now the clock is broken and Im awake. Not sure who won...

Why is it when you tell someone there are 400 stars in the sky, theyll believe you. But when you tell them the bench is wet, they still have to touch it?

If you try to fail and succeed, which one have you done?

Think POSITIVE
I fell down the stairs
What did I say...
DANG I GOT DOWN THOSE STAIRS FAST!!

Im going to get a bumper sticker that says "honk if you think Im a good driver" that way when I cut people off the wont know what to do

When I see you, I smile. When you talk, Im speechless. When you walk, I stare. Heck, what can I say, retards amuse me =]

Random Jokes #11

Paperclip... A staple with commitment issues

Dont you hate you you read in your head and you sound like a pro, but when you go to read out loud you sound retarded

I always try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero

After reading the the sentence, you are not aware that the the human brain does not inform you that the the word "the" has been repeated twice everytime...

Anyone have like 50 t-shirts but only wear 5 and say they have no clothes?!

I have no problem texting while driving...now texting whil walking downstairs, that crap is dangerous

I have a stepladder. Its a very nice stepladder but its sad that I never knew my real ladder...

After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achived its true calling:
helping people wink online

Who was the roundest king at king arthurs table?
Sir Cumference

Random Jokes :D #10

People born in 1993-1999 haved lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums, and we're not even 18 yet :) :P

Everytime I see a homeless guy holding a sign, I wonder where he got the marker...

A boomerang is just is frisbee for people who dont have any friends

A true friend will play ninja with you in the middle of Wal-Mart and think its normal

Some people cant sleep because they have insomnia. I cant sleep because I have internet connection

Can 15 minutes save you 15% or more on car insurance? Are you now reading this in that guys voice?

I read something yesterday that made me pee myself....
It was a sign that read "Bathroom Closed"

Those who complain about our generation, forget who raised it ;)

"Dude, he just called you a thief!"
"NO WAY MAN... Hold my wallet!"
"Dude, this is my wallet!"
"....."


*WooHoo for me for 10 Random Jokes posts*

Random Jokes :D #9

Im that kind of person who can not pause the song right in the middle of it so I always have to wait till the end till I can do something else

Does anyone else think string cheese tastes bad unless you peel it apart?

The key to being funny is to say smart things stupidly...or was it stupid things smartly? Oh well, its not rocket surgery

Dont dwell on the past and focus on the future...
Thats why the review mirror is smaller than the windsheld

That awkward moment when you finish a TV series and you dont know what to do with your life anymore...

I love holding the door open for people who are far away so they have to run alittle

We should have a nice way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings, like "Well Im bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

That urgent moment when you really have to pee and then you realize you need to spend an extra 2 seconds trying to unbutton or untie your pants, trying to hold it in for dear life

does anyone else see something in their dreams and then later in life the exact same thing happends and you start to freak out for a couple seconds

If you get cought sleeping on the job or in class...slowly raise your head and say
"...in jesus name, amen..."

Admit it. At some point in life youve tried to see if you had super powers

Random Jokes :D #8

I just got my first tattoo and it really hurt, I think Ill use cold water next time...

Laundry teaches us to be racist

Video games dont make us violent, lag does

A bunch of midgets went to go play mini golf, so I guess to them its just golf

I know 5 facts about you
1. You cant say the letter "N" without touching your tounge to the top of your mouth
2. You just tried it
4. You didnt notice there was no #3
5 You are laughing

The Post Office clerk asked me for my street name, I told him I didnt have one - People just call me Taylor

WOAH!!! I just looked at the calender and found out that my birthday is on the same day I was born!!

Texting+Facebook=Textbook
So yes, I am studying :P

Some say that women belong in the kitchen, but you wanna know why women live longer than men...
Because the kitchen is where the knives are.....

Random Jokes :D #7

I didnt do it!!!... oh... that... yea I did it... :)

How long would it take to solve a rubiks cude if you where color blind?

A mute man told a def man that a blind man saw a bald man comb his hair

Somebody just called me childish and I almost choked on my lego :P

Guys- If you think you look good in your profile pictures because youre giving the camera the death stare, You. Look. Constipated.

Roses are red and Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you. But now the Roses are dying and the Violets are dead, the Sugar bowl is empty and so is your head

There are 3 brothers. Somebody, Nobody, and Crazy. Somebody got mad at Nobody and killed him. Crazy went to the police and said "SOMBODY KILLED NOBODY!!" "Are you crazy!!" "YES"

Use defeat, deduct, defence, and detail in 1 sentence.
"De-feet of de-duck went over de-fence before de-tail"

Random Jokes :D #6

Say this really fast- I am we Todd it, I am so fairy we Todd it
hahaha XD

If gas prices and everything are going up, then why do paychecks stay the same?

Teachers call it cheating...
We call it teamwork... :)

Not every flower can say love, but a rose did it
Not every plant can save thirst, but a cactus did it
Not every dummy can read, but look at you having a go!

My friend told me that "Bing" just stands for "Because Its Not Google"

90% of girls would cry if Justin Bieber was kidnapped..
9% would scream "YAY!! HES GONE!!"
I would be the 1% poking my new prisoner...

Someone just stole my identity.... sucks for them.... now they dont have a life....

I decided to name my dog "Stay"
And when I wanted to teach him tricks Id say "Come here, Stay!"
.....Hes insane now.....

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats alawys land on their feet, what happends if I strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it??

I wanted some exercise so I ran around the block a few times. Really wore me out!! So I put it back in the toybox and sat down

Random Jokes :D #5

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn...

I belive that unicorns are real they are just fat and grey and we call them rinos

You say I have lost my mind..
I say you cant lose what you never had..

Crazy? Who? Me? Well duh...

Im just like everyone else, I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time

Never EVER touch a crazy womans pudding!!!
I will stab you with a spoon!!!!

Why do people put designs on toilet paper? Its not like when I go to wipe my butt Im gonna go OH MY GOSH!! A FLOWER!!

Study... study... stud... sta... ah... staf... stafay... fay... face... facebook :D

rope: $3.95
ski mask: $4.99
duct tape: $2.95
shovel: $7.99
look on cashiers face: priceless!
I love Wal-Mart

Random Jokes :D #4

People who dont know me say "Youre very quiet"
People who do know me say "Man I wish she was"

You never know how creative your thought process is until you sit on a wet toilet trying to convince yourself that it is something other than pee

I always have the right answer.
You just sometimes ask the wrong questions

doesanybodyknowwhatthelongbaratthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?

Can you buy those hotel "Do not Disturb" signs? I wanna wear one as a necklace

Friend: I wish I could help you out
Good Friend: Id bail you out
Best Friend: Lets hide in the bushes while the cops search!!!

I believe in love at first sight...
I experience it everytime I go shopping

Am I in a mental institution?.....Oh No....Its just my house

Kids..you spend the first 2 years encouraging them to walk and talk, the next 16 you spend trying to get them to sit down and shut up

Random Jokes :D #3

I wish you could go on google and type in something like "DUDE wheres my phone?!" and it would say "Its under the couch idiot!"

A key ring is a handy little device that allowing you to lose all of your keys at once

I decided to stay up late... it was a bad idea in the morning...

I hate it when I plan a conversation with someone in my head and they dont follow the script

I hate it when people text like ttthhhiiisss oorrrr dey talk lyke dis..... it makes my inner voice sound retarded

LIKE A CHEESE STICK!!!
dad... its G6...

I honestly dont care what gender you are... Im gonna call you "Dude" either way

When someone asks me why I wear sunglasses inside or at night I just smaile and say "Cuz when youre as cool as me, the sun shines on you all the time" B)

2012? Seriously? I survived 9/11, 6/6/6, 9/9/9, H1N1, Swine Flu, And bird flu.
Bring. It. ON!!

Your hands are greasy and there are no napkins in sight, time to decide what item of clothing you care least about

Anagrams

William Shakespeare = Ill make a wise phrase
Waitress = A stew, sir?
The Titanic Disaster = Death, it starts in ice
A Decimal Point = Im a dot in place
Statue of Liberty = Build to stay free
Conversation = Voices rant on
Why do you care? = Hey you coward!
Astronomers = No more stars
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No more Z's
Justin Timberlake = Im a jerk but listen
Garbage Man = Bag Manager