Random Jokes #20

I love coco puffs, but i hate popo cuffs...

People please, there is a fine line between getting a real tan, and looking like you just rolled around in doritos

So I was at the park the other day, thinking to myself 'why is that frisbee getting bigger?'
... Then it hit me

'OMGz hav!n such a gewd tiem wif mai bestiez, lolzzz!!'
.... SERIOUSLY? TAKE YOUR KEYBOARD AND SMASH YOUR FACE WITH IT

My brother said onions are the only food that can make you cry...
That was before I hit him in the face with a pumpkin

FB status: like this if you like to like things you like :)

Is it just me, or does every great idea start with the word 'Duuuuuuuude!!'

I hate when people steal quotes from movies. It makes me angry, and you wouldnt like me when Im angry

I lost hope for America
when I picked up an American Flag that said
'Made in China'

Im paying almost 5 dollars a gallon at the pump while nascar drivers do 642 laps in a freakin circle just wasting it...

I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 7 months when the box said 4 to 7 years....
TAKE THAT JIGSAW PUZZLE MANUFACTURERS

I Can't Wait For This...

Random Jokes #19

FB Status:
Welcome to me wall... Today's specials are:
Lack of sleep, up too early, and low on patience. Thank You. Come again...

Call my girlfriend... call my girlfrien... call oy girly... call of gurty... Call of Duty.

Itd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in the end slices of bread...

Note ot self: I need to stop talking to myself

If there is no oxygen in space, then why is the sun on fire???

That moment when you start to play guitar hero, and then your nose starts to itch like crazy!!

That awkard moment when there is no punchline

Random Jokes #18

They don't say "I do" at a nerd wedding, but "I accept the terms and conditions"

Me: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: When I was using "can" I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you'd know that. My bad. MAY I use the bathroom?
Teacher: ....

Sibling Property Rules:
1. If I like it, Its mine
2. If I'm holding it, its mine
3. If I can take it from you, its mine
4. If I had it a while ago, its mine
5. If I'm tearing it up all pieces are mine
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine
8. If I saw it first, its mine
9. If you are playing with it and you put it down, it becomes mine,
10. If its broke, its yours

I remember my first crime...
Grand Theft Tricycle
I did 3 days in the crib for that one...

Predicament + Pickle = Predicamikle
You're all welcome