Random Jokes #28

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Dear Doctor,
The longer you leave me unattended waiting in your office, the more tongue depressers I can lick and stick back in the jar.

Want to make money using Facebook??
Go to Account > Account Settings > Deactivate account... and go to work

I got gas yesterday for $1.39!
Too bad it was from taco bell...

Ever realized that the words "false information" spelled backwards is the same.

Whew. Thank you warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

When someone calls you house phone and asks you "Where you at?"
Oh you know, just chillin at a strip club with my house phone..

The walrus: They're like vampires but awesome

If manatees are sea cows then why arent cows called land manatees??

Random Jokes #27

To do list: Wear a shirt that says "LIFE" and stand in the street handing people lemons.

Everyday Im suffling, except Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Why is there an eject button on the dvd remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. Its like having a remote to open the fridge.

Went outside. The grapics were awesome but the gameplay sucks...

Think of a number 1 through 10, double it, subtract 1, add 20, multiply by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark isnt it?

That awkward moment when you go in your closet to find Narnia and you find the door to Monsters Inc instead.

Please explain to me why I saw a sign that says "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye dogs."
Who was supposed to read that, the blind person or the dog?

Random Jokes #26

Definition of bravery: Trying to fart when you know you have diarrhea

Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!!"

Little old ladies in wheelchairs with blakets over their legs aren't fooling me...
Retired mermaids

I only party on 2 occations:
1. When it's my birthday.
2. When its not.

I hate it when the cops tell you to sing your ABCs backwards, I'm sorry, I didnt go to AP Kindergarden!

Can switching to Geico really save you 15% or more?
Is having Lebron James on your team in the finals, a bad idea?

Random Jokes #25

Dear McDonalds Cashier,
Dont look at me like that. Last time I checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.
Sincerely, Dont forget the toy.

I was taking an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'

That stupid face you make when you have to rub one of your eyes.

I have a friend with one eye... Hes pretty cool about it though, instead of putting :D he puts .D

Is it just me or does having family as friends on Facebook limit alot of what you want to say?

When a package says "easy open", I end up using sissors, a knife, a hammer, a gun, and a lightsaber