Random Jokes #33

Why is the media so negative? Instaead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not say "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"

Roses are red
Facebook is blue
No mutual friends
Who the heck are you?

Jesus can walk on water
Humans are 70% water
I can walk on humans
Therefore I am 70% Jesus

90% of teenagers would die if Edward Cullen jumped off a cliff.
The other 10% would eat some popcorn yelling "DO A BACKFLIP SPARKLY!!!"

Vending machines are the bullies of the food industry. They just sit there ans take your money.

I cant see an end. I have no control and I dont think there is any escape. I dont think I even have a home anymore.
Definately time for a new keyboard.

I just drank a 5 hour energy and took 4 sleeping pills... Let the battle begin!!!

If I had to describe myself in 1 word, it would be...
"bad at following directions"

Random Jokes #32

When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you??"

Dear guy at the market who hugged me because I am bruised,
my situation is too painful to talk about, lets just say they did things... bad things

My cat raps. His name? Wiska Lifa

Hey, Wiska Lifa, wanna hook up tonight?
Love, Kitty Purry

There's two dumb cats in my neighborhood. Wiska Lifa and Kitty Purry. I think I'm gonna team up with my buddy Snoop Dogg and chase them.
   -Pit Bull

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon and thats as close as it gets

Random Jokes #31

If a robber breaks in, Ill just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he will leave because I have first dibs.

WOOP WOOP, HOME ALONE!!!
Expectation: PARTAYYY!
Reality: Peeing with the door open...

When friends come over and ask
"You got a bathroom?"
...No we poop outside

Guns dont kill people, people kill people. So toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast

Guy posts on facebook: "going to bed, lmao"
Me to myself: "dude really? unless youre going to bed with a clown its not all that funny"

Running a vacuum cleaner over a string a dozen times, then reaching down to pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give my vacuum one more chance