If a robber breaks in, Ill just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he will leave because I have first dibs.
WOOP WOOP, HOME ALONE!!!
Expectation: PARTAYYY!
Reality: Peeing with the door open...
When friends come over and ask
"You got a bathroom?"
...No we poop outside
Guns dont kill people, people kill people. So toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast
Guy posts on facebook: "going to bed, lmao"
Me to myself: "dude really? unless youre going to bed with a clown its not all that funny"
Running a vacuum cleaner over a string a dozen times, then reaching down to pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give my vacuum one more chance
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