Random Jokes #33

Why is the media so negative? Instaead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not say "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"

Roses are red
Facebook is blue
No mutual friends
Who the heck are you?

Jesus can walk on water
Humans are 70% water
I can walk on humans
Therefore I am 70% Jesus

90% of teenagers would die if Edward Cullen jumped off a cliff.
The other 10% would eat some popcorn yelling "DO A BACKFLIP SPARKLY!!!"

Vending machines are the bullies of the food industry. They just sit there ans take your money.

I cant see an end. I have no control and I dont think there is any escape. I dont think I even have a home anymore.
Definately time for a new keyboard.

I just drank a 5 hour energy and took 4 sleeping pills... Let the battle begin!!!

If I had to describe myself in 1 word, it would be...
"bad at following directions"

Random Jokes #32

When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you??"

Dear guy at the market who hugged me because I am bruised,
my situation is too painful to talk about, lets just say they did things... bad things

My cat raps. His name? Wiska Lifa

Hey, Wiska Lifa, wanna hook up tonight?
Love, Kitty Purry

There's two dumb cats in my neighborhood. Wiska Lifa and Kitty Purry. I think I'm gonna team up with my buddy Snoop Dogg and chase them.
   -Pit Bull

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon and thats as close as it gets

Random Jokes #31

If a robber breaks in, Ill just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he will leave because I have first dibs.

WOOP WOOP, HOME ALONE!!!
Expectation: PARTAYYY!
Reality: Peeing with the door open...

When friends come over and ask
"You got a bathroom?"
...No we poop outside

Guns dont kill people, people kill people. So toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast

Guy posts on facebook: "going to bed, lmao"
Me to myself: "dude really? unless youre going to bed with a clown its not all that funny"

Running a vacuum cleaner over a string a dozen times, then reaching down to pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give my vacuum one more chance

Random Jokes #30

Teacher: "Somebody start a sentence with I"
Student: "I is..."
Teacher: "No, its I AM"
Student: "...I am the ninth letter in the alphabet"

Think about it: Right now you are the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be.

Look Left----------->         You Failed

If spiders could fly, Id never go outside again

No one is as ugly as their drivers lisense picture, nor as good looking as their facebook profile picture

I wanna steal a Krispy Kream truck and go on a high speed chase just because it would be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck

Millionares: If you dont have trampoline floors and a giant slide that goes from your bed to your pool, then give me your money, because your wasting it.

Random Jokes #29

Dear McDonalds,
Please consider making your playground supersized for your more dedicated customers.
Sincerely, Stuck in the slide

Dear Stuck in the slide,
Supersizing is not the answer to everything, if you knew that, you wouldnt be stuck.
Sincerely, McDonalds

Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver yelling "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not a drill!!!"

Dear Family thanks for putting the empty box of cereal back in the cabinet. Now I can have disapointment for breakfast.

Im not hungry. But I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat

If someone tried to break into my house my dog would save me... unless he had a vaccum, then I would die.

Facebook: Scrolling down your newsfeed and thinking:
"Dont care."
"Idiot."
"Your life sucks."
"Song lyrics."
"Inside Joke?"
"Needs a therapist..."

Random Jokes #28

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Dear Doctor,
The longer you leave me unattended waiting in your office, the more tongue depressers I can lick and stick back in the jar.

Want to make money using Facebook??
Go to Account > Account Settings > Deactivate account... and go to work

I got gas yesterday for $1.39!
Too bad it was from taco bell...

Ever realized that the words "false information" spelled backwards is the same.

Whew. Thank you warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

When someone calls you house phone and asks you "Where you at?"
Oh you know, just chillin at a strip club with my house phone..

The walrus: They're like vampires but awesome

If manatees are sea cows then why arent cows called land manatees??

Random Jokes #27

To do list: Wear a shirt that says "LIFE" and stand in the street handing people lemons.

Everyday Im suffling, except Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Why is there an eject button on the dvd remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. Its like having a remote to open the fridge.

Went outside. The grapics were awesome but the gameplay sucks...

Think of a number 1 through 10, double it, subtract 1, add 20, multiply by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark isnt it?

That awkward moment when you go in your closet to find Narnia and you find the door to Monsters Inc instead.

Please explain to me why I saw a sign that says "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye dogs."
Who was supposed to read that, the blind person or the dog?

Random Jokes #26

Definition of bravery: Trying to fart when you know you have diarrhea

Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!!"

Little old ladies in wheelchairs with blakets over their legs aren't fooling me...
Retired mermaids

I only party on 2 occations:
1. When it's my birthday.
2. When its not.

I hate it when the cops tell you to sing your ABCs backwards, I'm sorry, I didnt go to AP Kindergarden!

Can switching to Geico really save you 15% or more?
Is having Lebron James on your team in the finals, a bad idea?

Random Jokes #25

Dear McDonalds Cashier,
Dont look at me like that. Last time I checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.
Sincerely, Dont forget the toy.

I was taking an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'

That stupid face you make when you have to rub one of your eyes.

I have a friend with one eye... Hes pretty cool about it though, instead of putting :D he puts .D

Is it just me or does having family as friends on Facebook limit alot of what you want to say?

When a package says "easy open", I end up using sissors, a knife, a hammer, a gun, and a lightsaber

Random Jokes #24

In about a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment

Remember in first grade, when you were the leader and it was so aweseome?!

Whenever I text and someone is looking at my phone, I like to type "and this retard keeps reading our plans... should I take him out?"

For those of you that missed the end of the world a couple days ago, you can catch the repeat on December 21, 2012

I take you to be my lawful wedded text buddy. To have and to harass, In rich quotes and nasty jokes, Til dead battery do us apart

This is a serious question, listen very closely...
Do you know...
The muffin man??

I did an awesome job being born. I got a certificate if you dont believe me.

Toothpaste - Ruining orange juice since 1906

That awkward moment when the awkwardness gets so awkward it rips a whole in the space time continuum...
making it even more awkward.

Random Jokes #23

It took 200 million dollars to make fast five...
60% of it was used on gasoline

I have a condition that means I eat when I cant sleep, its called
Insom-nom-nom-nia

People who suffer from depression should eat more beans, seriously... you cant fart and NOT smile

That proud moment when you beat someone when driving, even though they werent racing you and youre like "Yea thats what I thought!!"

There are two kinds of people, those who stay on topic, and I like Frosted Flakes

Dear public restrooms,
Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, no one likes to wipe their butt witha handfull of confetti

When I have a kid, Im  gonna name them Sparta, so every time I introduce them I can just scream "This. Is. Sparta!!!"

How ironic would it be if everyone went blind in the year 2020?

There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water:
Number 1 and Number 2

Random Jokes #22

My life will not be fulfilled until I walk away from an explosion in slow motion

That awkward moment when a sentence doesnt end the way you think it octopus

I do 5 situps every morning... may not seem like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button

I CANNOT listen to my ipod peacefully until my ear phones are completly untangled..

I just said "gimme the usual" to a waitress at a resturant ive never been before
...now we wait

Who hates it when your sleeping and you just jump out of nowhere because you fell off a cliff or something

I have some jokes about unemployment, but they need some work

I never really got what "lolzzz" meant.
Laugh Out Loud, Zebra Zebra Zebra?

I wish the dollar store sold gas....

Who said english is easy???
Fill in the blank with Yes or No.
1. ____, I dont have a brain
2. ____, I dont have sense
3. ____, I am stupid

Random Jokes #21

"Im sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing.... unless you're at a funeral


Girls, there is a fine line between wearing makeup and looking like you just dived in a box of crayons


Instead of "lol" i put "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"
Laughing Silently In My Head Because It wasnt Funny Enough For Me To Actually Laugh Out Loud


Without it, gravity is gravy


I just got kicked out of my local laser tag and the police were called. Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed


Who else sits there and lets the phone ring instead of rejecting the call because they dont want the person to know they are ignoring them?


I know you want me to go down on you...
But i wont
    -gas prices

Now and then, I announce "I know you're listening" to an empty room. If im wrong, no one knows. And if im right, I just freaked out some secret organization

That awkward moment when you spell a common word correctly, but it just looks so wrong so you stare at it forever, questioning its existance

Random Jokes #20

I love coco puffs, but i hate popo cuffs...

People please, there is a fine line between getting a real tan, and looking like you just rolled around in doritos

So I was at the park the other day, thinking to myself 'why is that frisbee getting bigger?'
... Then it hit me

'OMGz hav!n such a gewd tiem wif mai bestiez, lolzzz!!'
.... SERIOUSLY? TAKE YOUR KEYBOARD AND SMASH YOUR FACE WITH IT

My brother said onions are the only food that can make you cry...
That was before I hit him in the face with a pumpkin

FB status: like this if you like to like things you like :)

Is it just me, or does every great idea start with the word 'Duuuuuuuude!!'

I hate when people steal quotes from movies. It makes me angry, and you wouldnt like me when Im angry

I lost hope for America
when I picked up an American Flag that said
'Made in China'

Im paying almost 5 dollars a gallon at the pump while nascar drivers do 642 laps in a freakin circle just wasting it...

I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 7 months when the box said 4 to 7 years....
TAKE THAT JIGSAW PUZZLE MANUFACTURERS

I Can't Wait For This...