Random Jokes #24

In about a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment

Remember in first grade, when you were the leader and it was so aweseome?!

Whenever I text and someone is looking at my phone, I like to type "and this retard keeps reading our plans... should I take him out?"

For those of you that missed the end of the world a couple days ago, you can catch the repeat on December 21, 2012

I take you to be my lawful wedded text buddy. To have and to harass, In rich quotes and nasty jokes, Til dead battery do us apart

This is a serious question, listen very closely...
Do you know...
The muffin man??

I did an awesome job being born. I got a certificate if you dont believe me.

Toothpaste - Ruining orange juice since 1906

That awkward moment when the awkwardness gets so awkward it rips a whole in the space time continuum...
making it even more awkward.

Random Jokes #23

It took 200 million dollars to make fast five...
60% of it was used on gasoline

I have a condition that means I eat when I cant sleep, its called
Insom-nom-nom-nia

People who suffer from depression should eat more beans, seriously... you cant fart and NOT smile

That proud moment when you beat someone when driving, even though they werent racing you and youre like "Yea thats what I thought!!"

There are two kinds of people, those who stay on topic, and I like Frosted Flakes

Dear public restrooms,
Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, no one likes to wipe their butt witha handfull of confetti

When I have a kid, Im  gonna name them Sparta, so every time I introduce them I can just scream "This. Is. Sparta!!!"

How ironic would it be if everyone went blind in the year 2020?

There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water:
Number 1 and Number 2

Random Jokes #22

My life will not be fulfilled until I walk away from an explosion in slow motion

That awkward moment when a sentence doesnt end the way you think it octopus

I do 5 situps every morning... may not seem like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button

I CANNOT listen to my ipod peacefully until my ear phones are completly untangled..

I just said "gimme the usual" to a waitress at a resturant ive never been before
...now we wait

Who hates it when your sleeping and you just jump out of nowhere because you fell off a cliff or something

I have some jokes about unemployment, but they need some work

I never really got what "lolzzz" meant.
Laugh Out Loud, Zebra Zebra Zebra?

I wish the dollar store sold gas....

Who said english is easy???
Fill in the blank with Yes or No.
1. ____, I dont have a brain
2. ____, I dont have sense
3. ____, I am stupid

Random Jokes #21

"Im sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing.... unless you're at a funeral


Girls, there is a fine line between wearing makeup and looking like you just dived in a box of crayons


Instead of "lol" i put "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"
Laughing Silently In My Head Because It wasnt Funny Enough For Me To Actually Laugh Out Loud


Without it, gravity is gravy


I just got kicked out of my local laser tag and the police were called. Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed


Who else sits there and lets the phone ring instead of rejecting the call because they dont want the person to know they are ignoring them?


I know you want me to go down on you...
But i wont
    -gas prices

Now and then, I announce "I know you're listening" to an empty room. If im wrong, no one knows. And if im right, I just freaked out some secret organization

That awkward moment when you spell a common word correctly, but it just looks so wrong so you stare at it forever, questioning its existance