Random Jokes #12

I bought a deoderant stick today. The intructions said to remove the wrapper and push up bottom. I can bearly walk but when I fart the room smells so lovely

Stalking is such a strong word....I prefer the term "surveillance expert"

I have a button on my microwave that says "stop time". I assume it means the timer but I dont touch it, just in case

I had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up. I disagreed. Now the clock is broken and Im awake. Not sure who won...

Why is it when you tell someone there are 400 stars in the sky, theyll believe you. But when you tell them the bench is wet, they still have to touch it?

If you try to fail and succeed, which one have you done?

Think POSITIVE
I fell down the stairs
What did I say...
DANG I GOT DOWN THOSE STAIRS FAST!!

Im going to get a bumper sticker that says "honk if you think Im a good driver" that way when I cut people off the wont know what to do

When I see you, I smile. When you talk, Im speechless. When you walk, I stare. Heck, what can I say, retards amuse me =]

Random Jokes #11

Paperclip... A staple with commitment issues

Dont you hate you you read in your head and you sound like a pro, but when you go to read out loud you sound retarded

I always try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero

After reading the the sentence, you are not aware that the the human brain does not inform you that the the word "the" has been repeated twice everytime...

Anyone have like 50 t-shirts but only wear 5 and say they have no clothes?!

I have no problem texting while driving...now texting whil walking downstairs, that crap is dangerous

I have a stepladder. Its a very nice stepladder but its sad that I never knew my real ladder...

After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achived its true calling:
helping people wink online

Who was the roundest king at king arthurs table?
Sir Cumference

Random Jokes :D #10

People born in 1993-1999 haved lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums, and we're not even 18 yet :) :P

Everytime I see a homeless guy holding a sign, I wonder where he got the marker...

A boomerang is just is frisbee for people who dont have any friends

A true friend will play ninja with you in the middle of Wal-Mart and think its normal

Some people cant sleep because they have insomnia. I cant sleep because I have internet connection

Can 15 minutes save you 15% or more on car insurance? Are you now reading this in that guys voice?

I read something yesterday that made me pee myself....
It was a sign that read "Bathroom Closed"

Those who complain about our generation, forget who raised it ;)

"Dude, he just called you a thief!"
"NO WAY MAN... Hold my wallet!"
"Dude, this is my wallet!"
"....."


*WooHoo for me for 10 Random Jokes posts*

Random Jokes :D #9

Im that kind of person who can not pause the song right in the middle of it so I always have to wait till the end till I can do something else

Does anyone else think string cheese tastes bad unless you peel it apart?

The key to being funny is to say smart things stupidly...or was it stupid things smartly? Oh well, its not rocket surgery

Dont dwell on the past and focus on the future...
Thats why the review mirror is smaller than the windsheld

That awkward moment when you finish a TV series and you dont know what to do with your life anymore...

I love holding the door open for people who are far away so they have to run alittle

We should have a nice way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings, like "Well Im bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

That urgent moment when you really have to pee and then you realize you need to spend an extra 2 seconds trying to unbutton or untie your pants, trying to hold it in for dear life

does anyone else see something in their dreams and then later in life the exact same thing happends and you start to freak out for a couple seconds

If you get cought sleeping on the job or in class...slowly raise your head and say
"...in jesus name, amen..."

Admit it. At some point in life youve tried to see if you had super powers

Random Jokes :D #8

I just got my first tattoo and it really hurt, I think Ill use cold water next time...

Laundry teaches us to be racist

Video games dont make us violent, lag does

A bunch of midgets went to go play mini golf, so I guess to them its just golf

I know 5 facts about you
1. You cant say the letter "N" without touching your tounge to the top of your mouth
2. You just tried it
4. You didnt notice there was no #3
5 You are laughing

The Post Office clerk asked me for my street name, I told him I didnt have one - People just call me Taylor

WOAH!!! I just looked at the calender and found out that my birthday is on the same day I was born!!

Texting+Facebook=Textbook
So yes, I am studying :P

Some say that women belong in the kitchen, but you wanna know why women live longer than men...
Because the kitchen is where the knives are.....

Random Jokes :D #7

I didnt do it!!!... oh... that... yea I did it... :)

How long would it take to solve a rubiks cude if you where color blind?

A mute man told a def man that a blind man saw a bald man comb his hair

Somebody just called me childish and I almost choked on my lego :P

Guys- If you think you look good in your profile pictures because youre giving the camera the death stare, You. Look. Constipated.

Roses are red and Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you. But now the Roses are dying and the Violets are dead, the Sugar bowl is empty and so is your head

There are 3 brothers. Somebody, Nobody, and Crazy. Somebody got mad at Nobody and killed him. Crazy went to the police and said "SOMBODY KILLED NOBODY!!" "Are you crazy!!" "YES"

Use defeat, deduct, defence, and detail in 1 sentence.
"De-feet of de-duck went over de-fence before de-tail"

Random Jokes :D #6

Say this really fast- I am we Todd it, I am so fairy we Todd it
hahaha XD

If gas prices and everything are going up, then why do paychecks stay the same?

Teachers call it cheating...
We call it teamwork... :)

Not every flower can say love, but a rose did it
Not every plant can save thirst, but a cactus did it
Not every dummy can read, but look at you having a go!

My friend told me that "Bing" just stands for "Because Its Not Google"

90% of girls would cry if Justin Bieber was kidnapped..
9% would scream "YAY!! HES GONE!!"
I would be the 1% poking my new prisoner...

Someone just stole my identity.... sucks for them.... now they dont have a life....

I decided to name my dog "Stay"
And when I wanted to teach him tricks Id say "Come here, Stay!"
.....Hes insane now.....

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats alawys land on their feet, what happends if I strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it??

I wanted some exercise so I ran around the block a few times. Really wore me out!! So I put it back in the toybox and sat down

Random Jokes :D #5

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn...

I belive that unicorns are real they are just fat and grey and we call them rinos

You say I have lost my mind..
I say you cant lose what you never had..

Crazy? Who? Me? Well duh...

Im just like everyone else, I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time

Never EVER touch a crazy womans pudding!!!
I will stab you with a spoon!!!!

Why do people put designs on toilet paper? Its not like when I go to wipe my butt Im gonna go OH MY GOSH!! A FLOWER!!

Study... study... stud... sta... ah... staf... stafay... fay... face... facebook :D

rope: $3.95
ski mask: $4.99
duct tape: $2.95
shovel: $7.99
look on cashiers face: priceless!
I love Wal-Mart

Random Jokes :D #4

People who dont know me say "Youre very quiet"
People who do know me say "Man I wish she was"

You never know how creative your thought process is until you sit on a wet toilet trying to convince yourself that it is something other than pee

I always have the right answer.
You just sometimes ask the wrong questions

doesanybodyknowwhatthelongbaratthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?

Can you buy those hotel "Do not Disturb" signs? I wanna wear one as a necklace

Friend: I wish I could help you out
Good Friend: Id bail you out
Best Friend: Lets hide in the bushes while the cops search!!!

I believe in love at first sight...
I experience it everytime I go shopping

Am I in a mental institution?.....Oh No....Its just my house

Kids..you spend the first 2 years encouraging them to walk and talk, the next 16 you spend trying to get them to sit down and shut up

Random Jokes :D #3

I wish you could go on google and type in something like "DUDE wheres my phone?!" and it would say "Its under the couch idiot!"

A key ring is a handy little device that allowing you to lose all of your keys at once

I decided to stay up late... it was a bad idea in the morning...

I hate it when I plan a conversation with someone in my head and they dont follow the script

I hate it when people text like ttthhhiiisss oorrrr dey talk lyke dis..... it makes my inner voice sound retarded

LIKE A CHEESE STICK!!!
dad... its G6...

I honestly dont care what gender you are... Im gonna call you "Dude" either way

When someone asks me why I wear sunglasses inside or at night I just smaile and say "Cuz when youre as cool as me, the sun shines on you all the time" B)

2012? Seriously? I survived 9/11, 6/6/6, 9/9/9, H1N1, Swine Flu, And bird flu.
Bring. It. ON!!

Your hands are greasy and there are no napkins in sight, time to decide what item of clothing you care least about

Anagrams

William Shakespeare = Ill make a wise phrase
Waitress = A stew, sir?
The Titanic Disaster = Death, it starts in ice
A Decimal Point = Im a dot in place
Statue of Liberty = Build to stay free
Conversation = Voices rant on
Why do you care? = Hey you coward!
Astronomers = No more stars
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No more Z's
Justin Timberlake = Im a jerk but listen
Garbage Man = Bag Manager

Random Jokes :D #2

If a hobo and a blueberry had kids, would they be called a blobo or a hoberry?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices daily, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

What starts with "p" and ends in "e" and has hundreds of letters in it
- A post office

There are 5 fish in a tank and one drowns, how many are left?
- 5 fish cant drown :)

What is the tallest building in the world?
- A library because of all its stories :)

DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE!!!
You read that sentence didnt you???
Oh you REBEL!!

That awkward moment when you open the birthday card and theres no money in it so you pretend to read it with a lost smile

People complain how life is too short...
Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife... Problem solved

Without "me" its just awso

I know that you belive you think you understand what you think that I said, But Im not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant :)

Do you realize how stupid you are when you are arguing with me online? Whats the worse thing you can do?
"Oh, Im about to Cap Locks on you!!"
Scary.

My Name Acronym

Twisted
Arty
Young
Loud
Overwhelmed
Relaxed

Lovable
Exquisite
Apperciative
Neat
Naive

Hiper
Intelligent(sometimes)
Lazy
Dainty
Responsible
Excited
Trustworthy
Happy

Random Jokes :D

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year...
Now I dont wanna get anyone in trouble but shouldnt that be an even number??

Im that kind of person who can watch tons of scary movies and not get scared but would scream at the top of my lungs when toast pops out of the toaster :D

DRINK COFFEE!!
do dumb things faster with more energy o_O

Two muffins are baking in a oven, one muffin turns to the other and says "OMG its so hot in here!" The other muffin says "OMG a talking muffin!!"

Im pale and clumsy... now where the heck are the rich vampire and beefy werewolf who are supposed to be fighting over me?!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mustache
Mustache who?
I mustache you a question but Im shaving it for later :D

Boy: Loves COD
Girl: Hates COD
Boy: Hates COD when he dies
Girl: Loves COD when he dies :D :P

(Phone vibrates) *runs across room* *jumps over couch* *fights off ninjas* *grabs phone* "Man! I thought you were someone else!!"

My phone changed "loud" to "logs", so I "laughed out logs" at my friends joke, I mean I did poop alittle, but how did my phone know?

Im smart in school, Im polite with new people, Im nice with my parents, but put me with my friends and Im whole new person!!

What do you say when your parents yell at you for lying....
Look at them in the face and say,
SANTA CLAUS, EASTER BUNNY, TOOTH FAIRY!!!!

I Drew These....